Fitting in

In mid 2011 I went to an autograph signing with Zakk Wylde where I was told that I didn't look like I a fan because of my appearance; I was headed to work suited up and clean shaven.  Although I thought nothing of it at the time, genre's of music typically have a scene and a style. Metal and hard rock's scene is clearly not suit and tie; nonetheless it got me thinking on perceptions.

Should I be dressing a certain way if I listen this type of music? Should I not have a good job? Should my hair be long? Possibly instead of sitting at a desk for 10 hours and calling it a job should be replaced with similar hours lingering under a car engine? Isn't this what we expect metal heads to do?

I actually started this post over a year and a half ago; it's funny how something that you once felt gets pushed to the side until it is reminded so innocently that it sparks up the ever-long conversation hiding in your brain.

Rewind two months ago; Trapt concert in St Pete, Fla; my lovely wife to be is in tow. We enter the small, rather poorly lit theater with beer stuck floors and head to our standing place. Not 10 mins there and she leans over to me and says in not so many words "we don't fit in here". There it is again; hence why I am sitting here finally finishing the post. (now you know)

So back to topic; appearances in this world are everything. One of one of the first questions I ask a person is what kind of music they listen to? Inevitability there is always the, "I listen to a bit of everything". I hate that damn answer. It's such a cop out / middle of the road answer, and I can't stand when people don't voice opinions. The better question I have learned to ask is what was the last concert you went to? What was the last album you bought? I find that when people put hard earned money on the line they tend to really be into something. When that answer comes I am usually not surprised. You can almost see what a person listens to by the clothes they choose, style of hair, kind of car, and overall mannerisms.  Yet somehow my love for metal does not translate to my attire. I find this to be true with a lot of hard rock / metal fans. It's almost like we keep it quite due to some of the stigma that might go along with our choice in music. I think that it is a great disservice to believe that all metal and hard rock lovers have long hair, are heavily tattooed (which I am), and don't hold down a suit and tie job.

So when told I don't fit into the hard rock and metal scene I take little to no offense. You see to me not fitting in is what metal and hard rock is all about.

The Connection

In late 2012 Papa Roach released their 7th album "The Connection"; their best to date. This post isn't an album review; god knows I would be a tad late to throw my two cents in. This is a post about me and the connection I feel to Jacboby Shaddix their lead singer.

No I am not related, no I am not a friend, and no I am not crazy (well in some circles I am). Let's circle back to NYC circa 2004. I had recently moved into NYC and was living on the UES of Manhattan. I had been there for about 3 months and had not formed any friendships besides one; my doorman. We connected over music, our love of metal and hard rock; he was a devote Metallica fan and I could appreciate that. It must have been a Saturday or a Sunday and I was just coming back from god knows where, Gerry (my doorman) was working as he usually did and as I was walking towards the elevator he yelled out "Hey did anyone ever tell you that you look like the lead singer of Papa Roach?". I laughed, kept on walking and caught the nearest elevator.

You see at that time I didn't listen to Papa Roach. Of course I knew who they were however at that time they were not on my radar, and needless to say I was not a fan. A few days later I looked up some videos of them on youtube and could see a tad resemblance to their lead singer Jacoby Shaddix. At the time my head was shaved and I had this little chubby face, and when Papa Roach released "Infest" in 2000, Jacoby had the same cut and facial features.

Something happens to people when they go on youtube; videos are just fed to you and the next thing you know...... you have been on the site for hours watching whatever floats your boat. It's a sticky little site. It's good if you really want to dive into a band though; and that's what I did with Papa Roach. Soon I bought their back catalog; 3 albums at the time. And then soon enough I was a fan.

It wasn't until 2006 with the release of "The Paramour Sessions" that I became a huge fan. Everything on that album spoke to me. It seemed to be a perfect fit for my life. With songs like I Devise My Own Demise, Crash, Alive, To Be Loved, I soon began to feel like lyrically Jacoby and I were on the same page. He was screaming the lyrics of the feelings that were locked in my head.

This is what this post is really about, the connection. Since my first introduction to Papa Roach I have gown to love their music for what it is and the evolution that it has taken. Most importantly I have loved it because it has never made me feel alone. We can learn to hate our own thoughts if we feel like we are the only ones having them. And once again that is what music
really means to me. If we truly do love our music then we have this unseen connection that no one else understands. Maybe it takes you to a happy place, or maybe it helps with those dark corners.

Jacoby Shaddix's lyrics still speak to me as deeply today as they did in 2006; they are more profound these days. We still seem to be on that same cycle of fighting things that are inherently part of us. I am thankful that his lyrics can sometimes by my voice when I am afraid to talk.

In just a few short weeks they will take the stage and I will get to see a part of me up there singing those lyrics, and I am truly thankful that I can take someone I love along with me who has witnessed those feelings in me. I don't want to be on that stage, I am not obsessed, just a fan. Just a very grateful fan.

"Take your past, burn it up and let it go, Carry on, I'm stonger than you'll ever know" To Be Loved